You’ve been there- Your preschooler is mid tantrum in the grocery store, flailing like a fish out of water. Eyes are on you, your heart is racing, feeling like everyone is judging you because you suck as a mom, and all you want to do is make it STOP! I have been there, except it wasn’t a grocery store, it was swimming lessons, and we were in a small indoor space on full display.

But in that chaotic moment, there’s an opportunity – a chance to guide your child (and yourself) through the storm. This is where conscious co-regulation comes into play.

In this blog, we’ll focus on the practical side of co-regulation. You’ll learn tools to keep your cool when your child’s emotions run hot, so you can respond with calm confidence instead of frustration.

START WITH YOU:  REGULATING YOURSELF FIRST

When your child is having a meltdown, it’s tempting to go into ‘fix it’ mode or lose your cool altogether. But here’s the truth: You can’t co- regulate with your child if you’re dysregulated yourself.

Think of your emotions like water in a cup. If your cup is already full (stress, exhaustion, anxiety), adding your child’s meltdown to it will cause the cup to overflow and spill out. But when your cup has room, you can better handle those big emotions without losing control because you have space.

QUICK ‘IN THE MOMENT’ SELF REGULATION TOOLS FOR MOMS:

1. The Pause and Ground Method:

• When emotions run high, pause and do some grounding
• Place your hand on your chest and feel your heartbeat or press your feet firmly into the floor.
• Slow Breathing – Breathe in for 6 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 8 counts.

2. Use The S.O.F.T Method

• Stop: Pause before you react (ground)
• Observe: Notice what’s happening with your child, the situation and yourself first.
• Feel: Identify your own emotions without judgement
• Tune in: Respond with empathy and connection.

3. Mantras for calm:

• “This is hard, but I can handle it”, “I am their safe space,” “I’m a good mom”

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VALIDATION NOT FIXING: CONNECTING THROUGH THEIR BIG FEELINGS

One of the biggest mistakes parents make in the heat of the moment is trying to fix their child’s emotions:

• “You’re fine, it’s not a big deal.”
• “Stop crying. There’s nothing to be upset about.”

 

We can feel uncomfortable and/or irritated by our child’s emotions because we weren’t allowed to have them as a child or because it pains us to see our child struggle.

But to a young child, their emotions and feelings are very real and very big. Dismissing them can make your child feel unseen, which can escalate the situation. (Think about when you aren’t being heard or understood when it really matters to you – empathy)

HOW TO VALIDATE YOUR CHILD’S EMOTIONS:

• Name the Feeling:
• “It seems like you’re feeling really mad because your block tower fell over.”
• This helps your child feel understood and starts building their emotional vocabulary.

• Stay Present:
• Instead of trying to solve the problem, just be there. Sit close – in a calm down corner or time in space with emotional regulation aids.

Offer a hug and let them know it’s ok to feel their feelings, help them express them appropriately if they need support.

(NB: All emotions and feelings are ok, it’s how we express them that is either ok or not ok.)

• Keep It Simple:
• Your child’s brain can’t process logic when they’re experiencing big emotions. Too many questions, choices and explaining can make them feel even more overwhelmed and escalate the situation.

• Use Phrases like:

“It’s ok to feel sad”, “I’m here for you”, “You’re safe”

Validation isn’t about agreeing with their feelings; it’s about acknowledging them. Once your child feels heard, they’re more likely to calm down and work through their emotions and with you.

MODELLING CALM: TEACHING EMOTIONAL REGULATION THROUGH YOUR ACTIONS:

Children are like sponges – They absorb everything. When they see you handle stress with calm and control, they learn to do the same.

Children learn how to deal with and process emotions by watching what we do. They learn how to be adults from us. No pressure!

Ways to Model Calm Behaviour:

1. Name Your Own Emotions:

• “Mom is feeling frustrated right now. I’m going to take a slow breath.”

This shows your child that emotions are normal and manageable.

2. Demonstrate Calming Tools:

• Practice simple tools and techniques together, like:
• Deep Breaths – Blow out the birthday candles. Children love this one. (Big breath in for 4 counts hold for 2 and blow out for 6)
• Clap to 10
• Shake out tension – Shake out your shakey’s (Literally shake your hands, feet, and whole body)

 

3. Repair When You Lose Control:

• Nobody is perfect and we’re all human. If you yell or react instead of respond, model how to apologise.

“I’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling overwhelmed and didn’t handle that well. I am working on staying calm and will remember my calm tools next time.”

This teaches your children that mistakes are ok and that we all make them, and how to take responsibility and put solutions in place for future.

My boys have been sincerely apologizing to others, not just me, since they were young. I never forced them to ‘say sorry’, I just modelled this exact script with sincerity and took accountability when I made a mistake.

PRACTICE MAKES PROGRESS

Conscious co-regulation isn’t about perfection- It’s about progress. Some days, you’ll nail it. Other days you might lose your patience and yell. That’s okay. What matters is showing up, trying again, and modeling resilience.

Daily Co-Regulation Practice Tips:

• Morning Check-Ins:
• Take 2 minutes in the morning to set your intention (Do it with an activity or ritual like your morning coffee so that you create a habit of it)

 

“Today I will practice pausing before I react and instead respond with connection”

• Prep for Triggering Moments:
• If certain situations like mealtimes or bedtime are consistently challenging, plan in advance and put strategies in place so you’re better prepared and can stay calm.

• End of Day Reflection:
• Reflect on what went well and what you’d like to improve, and how you could do that.

“I stayed calm during the tantrum at lunchtime – win! Next time I’ll try validating their feelings sooner”

FINAL THOUGHTS: CALM IS CONTAGIOUS

Your child’s feelings and emotions can feel overwhelming at times but remember this; calm is contagious. By regulating yourself, validating their feelings, and modeling emotional control, you are giving your child a gift that they’ll carry for life.

You’re teaching them not just how to handle big emotions, but how to show up with grace, patience, and empathy- even when things get hard

Try one of the tools from today’s blog – whether it’s the S.O.F.T method, validating your child’s emotions, or modelling calm behaviour.

In our next blog, we’ll explore how these co-regulation strategies build lifelong emotional resilience in your child, creating a brighter future for generations to come.

Let’s take this journey together- one calm moment at a time